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CherriSmashes
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read my profile
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Name: Jillian
Birthday: 9/24/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: icecream. daisies. jazz music. writing. piano. the beatles. rosemary clooney. bubble baths. boggle. papermate pens. third eye blind. kites.
Expertise: What I Want for my Birthday:
*to play the piano
*walmart gift cards
*walmart gift cards
*walmart gift cards
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/26/2003
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| I have to post to keep this melodramatic and tainted memoir from being deleted. so, here you go. | | |
| I can outrun the treadmill and the words misspelled on the subtitled screen. I can outrun the boy sweating beside me and my own sweat. my breath comes in pants but I am running away from it. I glance at myself in the reflection of the window and I don't look like anyone I would recognize. I leave when I run. I leave behind times of the park and kisses and memories of any happy time that I have ever had because almost every single bit of happiness is soured by the inevitable regret. it is better not to note happiness or regret.
when I run all of that becomes worthless. unnecessary. there's nothing but the fact that I am tired, and I want to stop, and the seconds are ticking, and if I stop I will fall. I can keep going only by the sure knowledge that soon, very very soon, this will all be over, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much time is left.
I leave you behind me when I run. | | |
| you know what I wanted?
you know what I wanted.
and all I had to give is not enough.
there will be times you'll think of me
but please.
don't think too long
and think of your choice
or lack thereof
because she will be thinking of you too. | | |
| k so I'm tired of fighting and I wanna be peaceful and calm like jello, k?
there's too much shit going down in too many different parts of my life. I need this part to work out. not on this xanga though.
www.xanga.com/coldfaceblush
for anyone who cared! at all! if you didn't, go. and give tuppance to the birds. | | |
| I decided that if I'm going to exit xanga, I need to do it a bit more eloquently. and with a bit more explanation. for my peace of mind. even if you don't give a shit.
when I left Richmond to go to Farmville I was somewhat excited about the opportunities Longwood would give me.
now I know that everything is awesome here- the food, the classes, the faculty support- except for the other students that go here.
so when I visited Richmond I was excited to be back.
back in my house. back with my friends, driving in my car to the places I'd been all of my life, someplace where I could actually belong.
yesterday as I sat in church with brian I couldn't even bring myself to complete the nicene creed along with the congregation.
because what Holy Comforter has become is just an empty symbol of what it used to be. just like a lot of my friends, just like my house.
there's nothing there.
as much as I want to think that that kind of support doesn't disappear within two months
and as much as I want to believe that as long as I struggle and work harder to try to keep the connections going I won't lose anything
I do know that no matter how loud I sing at church
I still won't feel a thing.
I've never felt a thing in church. I might as well just say it. I don't know what shred of...religion is keeping me from being an atheist, but church has never done a damn thing except put me to sleep. same with reading the bible.
so that wasn't that much of a surprise, to finally come to terms with the official loss of a church.
and my house. walking into my house...it's not mine anymore. but that's okay, 'cause this summer, I only lived there by technical definition- I slept there from 12 AM to 9 and would then go to work and spend my entire day eating and hanging out at other places.
so that's just a place, just like church. I'd lost it already.
so... officially losing empty buildings which had already become meaningless to me..painful. but not unexpected.
but the thing that I hadn't banked on
the one fucking thing I thought I could count on?
were the people in my life.
when you don't have that much as a solid foundation, you don't tend to take for granted your main and only support system. I've fought and fought and then sadly had to relinquish myself to standing back and watching as key people took a backseat- whether voluntarily or through a series of unfortunate circumstances, or at my request- to being there for me.
my mother. my father. sean. matt.
and the sean thing...that just represents something bigger.
to me I kinda feel alienated from the crew. not all of the members? but the concept as a whole. I still feel really close to a lot of yall individually. but right now, I happen to cherish the opinion that a lot of the thought pattern is certainly not something that I need in my life.
so thanks, katie. and ali. and ben and heather and amanda and everyone else who actually chose to support me instead of cut me down or cut me out or fade me out on this xanga.
everyone else...
I guess I never really needed you anyways.
see ya in a year or so when hopefully a lot of people have been phased out from this place and I can still write what I want without a fear of overtly harsh rebuttal. | | |
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Money Accounting
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River City Diner
Friday, 1/28/05- $25 in tips. $216 paycheck.
Saturday, 1/29/05- $25 in tips.
Monday, 1/31/05- $16 in tips.
Friday, 2/5/05- $13 in tips.
Friday, 2/5/05- $25 in tips.
Saturday, 2/5/05- $26 in tips.
Sunday, 2/6/05- $22 in tips.
Monday, 2/7/05- $5 in tips.
Sunday, 2/28/05- $205 paycheck.
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